'REMAIN' CABINET BRIEFING!

The scene...a cabinet briefing room in the bowels of Downing Street...

PM: 'I've called you all here for a report on how the 'Remain' campaign is going?'

Gloomy faces anxiously glance at each other..

Hammond: 'Not too well PM...we're behind and it's getting worse I'm afraid'

PM: 'It's not good enough Phil...can't we hit them with a scare story?'

May: 'We've tried that PM but the bastards seem to be thinking for themselves on this one'

PM: 'Can't we wheel out some Big Hitters, even if they are retired, to support our scare stories?'

Hammond: 'Tried that as well PM...even got Barosso to fly back from his Caribbean retreat but everyone just laughed...even Obama tried but nobody listens to him anymore either...even got them to amend a G20 release stating the (snigger) dangers of us leaving but they all just seem to be raising their eyes to us'

Hancock: 'Told you before PM old chap that we need to up the pressure'

PM: 'What do you suggest Mathew?'

Hancock: 'Rather than emphasis the '2 years of uncertainty' after Brexit we need to make it even more ridiculous'

PM: 'Like?'

Hancock: 'Ooooh I dunno...5 years of uncertainty and financial collapse after leaving?'

PM: 'Do you think they'll swallow that Mathew'

Hancock: 'Worth a try PM...of course we could all go for broke and tell them 10 years of uncertainty?'

Cabinet collapses into laughter that gradually drifts away as they look at the PM

PM: 'You may be on to something here Mat...10 years is sounding good...and it always leaves us the option of making it 12...15 years if it doesn't succeed...if this doesn't scare the proles then we're in trouble...big trouble!'

Hammond: 'I agree PM'

PM: 'Oh shut up Hammond...you're such an arselicker and you got terrible press over the weekend!

Gentlemen, and ladies of course...you do realise what we're fighting for here...if we don't win this then we could be held democratically accountable to the British public for the first time in 40 years...we'll have no excuses left...and all of those cushy jobs you're looking forward to when you retire will be gone...this is a battle for our secure retirements....we cannot afford to lose'

Hancock: 'I'll get working on it straight away PM...what's the news on Boris?'

PM: 'I've tried rubbishing him but that seems to have backfired...I'm having a meet with the defence staff later...Putin's little polonium trick with a brolly seems a good option at the mo'#

Table banging all round and hearty cries of 'hear hear' fill the room!